This miscarriage is my fault... I think I'm going crazy.

This miscarriage is my fault

I can't tell you how many women have explained to me what they did to cause their miscarriage, or to ask if their stressful job or glasses of wine were what did it. For a long time, I blamed myself too. Then I learned I had a malformed uterus. All that guilt was for nothing.

 

Let me be the one to tell you: YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS MISCARRIAGE. 

 

I don't care if you were smoking crack--those babies are born all the time. Stand up on the job all day? Doesn't matter. On bed rest but got up a couple of times to raid the refrigerator or use the bathroom (or even to go out to dinner)? Insignificant. Nature is not perfect. Our genetic code sometimes doesn't work just right. It's terrible; it's sad. I hate it. But it has nothing to do with your sins, your stress, your mistakes, your nutrition, or your relationship. There was nothing you could have done. 

 

I know. Some of you still feel a nagging guilt. But try to put it out of your mind. It really, truly was not your fault. And most likely, it will not happen again.

 

I think I'm going crazy

Remember to give yourself time to handle your grief. IT IS REAL AND VALID. You may want to read some of the other women's miscarriage stories here or on other web sites to help you see that the crazy things you feel are normal. I did and thought many things after my miscarriage that I thought were really unhealthy or insane, including:

 

	Wanting to die to be with my baby
	Cuddling the sonogram pictures like a baby
	Hugging the tree we planted in Casey's memory (in full view of neighbors)
	Getting angry with myself for laughing or having a good time
	Picking fights with my husband for no reason
	Telling perfect strangers about my baby

It may not get much better for a long time. There will probably be a time, about 3-4 months later, that it will actually get worse. Getting pregnant again may not give you the release from grief you seek. Just give yourself time and surround yourself with people who care and understand. Forget the rest of them, for now.

If I could make one recommendation that has helped me tremendously, it would be to put together a memory box of your baby's things, even if it is only sympathy cards and a positive pregnancy test, or just letters you are writing to him/her. For several months, I went into the nursery and opened that box and cried every single day. I found that if I didn't, I felt like I was in a grief-fog all day. The memory box validates my baby's existence. Since I don't have a grave or a container of ashes, I go to it.

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